I’ve been outside.

Thursday, May 1st, 2025.

5:47pm Yesterday was my Dad's birthday. I thought of marking it by going outside and doing something - like seeing the cherry blossoms that are blooming - but the blooms aren't peak yet (should be sometime this week) - and I played 'ARC Raiders' a lot instead. It's a video game that is in the Tech Test 2 phase and I was able to get access for it on my PlayStation. It's a new kind of game for me but I'm enjoying it a lot and hopefully once this brief testing phase is over, they won't make us wait too long for the game to be released. This stage of testing is only going until May 4th. Since I'm already going to miss the game when I can't play it, that must mean it's pretty good to have myself and others already hooked on it. As for what this has to do with my Dad's birthday, nothing really, although I remember how into Atari games he was and computers in general. But yes, I knew it was his birthday. I still don't have his number deleted from my phone.

sundown at VIA Rail stop, Glencoe, Ontario, 13 March 2025

5:54pm Started to get more things done. Got a train ticket and went to the doctor's back in March. Met the new Doctor who has taken over Dr. G's practice. Aunt Terry helped me get there from Glencoe station, after a visit at her place and a walk & talk on her property. It wasn't easy to return to Glencoe but it's the nearest stop for her to be able to pick me up as the journey to the doctor can't be made directly by train the entire way. There is still the distance by car from wherever - London or Glencoe - and then to get to my hometown of St. Thomas, Ontario. I noticed the absence of the paintings that would be all over the wall when Dr. G was alive. He owned a lot of paintings and displayed his favourite artists like an art gallery on the walls of the waiting room with various ones in the patient rooms as well. It was a knock at the chest to see the visible absence of him. I'm three years late in getting to meet the new doctor but that also meant I'd delayed facing the death of Dr. G too. I've been grieving for my Dad but I lost several people in a short time and my doctor was one of them. At least I could have trees planted in his memory. I wish I could have set something like that up for my father. Maybe someday? Hopefully so.

After finally going to the doctor, I was fortunate to have a good amount of time to have a conversation with the new physician. (Not so new now, but new to me.) We discussed a number of things, went over the medication, I touched upon the terrible timing of it all - and afterward, I made the trek back to Toronto by train that evening. Aunt Terry was kind to give me her time that day. I hadn't been outside in months prior to venturing out for this. I had to push myself because I know I have to get things done. When I handed over my health card, I thought I'd need to renew it this year but turns out it was already expired for over a year, I think, and so that was another thing I needed to take care of - which meant another outside adventure. In early April, I went and got my health card renewed and for the first time, I got the Ontario Photo ID (for those who don't have a license but need more ID and since my passport expired a few years ago, this seemed the best thing to do at this time) and while I've not received my health card yet, I do have the other ID already. Shouldn't be too long before that arrives though. It can take a bit longer to process those, I hear. Still, this is a lot for me to get done after several years of being frozen in my grief. These are just a few of the things I must get done / take care of but at least it is a good start.

pigeon netting on the balcony, 14 April 2025

20 March 2025, prior to the pigeon netting, balcony view

In mid-April, the pigeon netting went up on the balcony view. It's not a metal cage one but some kind of fabric material - still, it's a netting and yes, it does make the place look caged in. Not a good feeling. I'm thankful that we had the view for as long as we have but what a sad day it was to come out into the living room and see it through the big window. The million dollar view is not so anymore. Sure, the view is amazing still, but not so much with the netting. All those photos I've taken from the balcony view - that era is over. I wonder if this was worth it, all for some heating / cooling system to be installed that honestly, I wouldn't have wanted over what we had before. Yes, it seemed a sign to get moving on but there are no means yet to move to The Beach/es - a place where I'd live even without a view, if I could be on the south side of Queen Street and be able to walk down the street to the lake again. But while that is not yet a possibility, I can be thankful to have some place to live at all. It's not like I can't see the city skyline still or the lake from here - it's just got a grid placed in view, as if it were drawn behind transparent graph paper. Maybe an artist will see this as helpful to drawing or painting the landscape skyline. Maybe someone can see something good out of it. I don't know. For most residents who may have enjoyed this view for years - the building being from the '60s - they may feel a deeper sadness than even myself. To be fair, we did have an extension of time before they put the pigeon netting up, being one of the balconies placed at a corner end where a different way to install it had to be done.

It gave us a few more months of the open uncaged view. 

20 March 2025, balcony view before pigeon netting

King Streetcar going past Revue Cinema, 26 April 2025

Later in April, on the 26th, LV-426 Day as it's now referred to by the mainstream, I went to the Revue Cinema and watched 'Alien' (Director's Cut) and 'Aliens' (theatrical version) and this was a lot for me as I haven't been out in public like this in a long time. Years. I love Aliens though and it was a chance to meet up with a poet friend and so I got myself out the door. And noticed that my jeans had massive holes in the back and I needed to return very quickly to the apartment and change. I forgot one of the pairs were that ruined and thankfully the other jeans didn't have that kind of damage so I got into those and back outside. That was enough for me to have stayed home given the anxiety but I knew I had to do this for myself. I've watched these movies countless times and 'Aliens' is one of my most favourite films of all time, but by the time that one started, I was yawning and nodding off (thankfully I didn't snore) and it wasn't because of the movie at all (though I prefer the Director's Cut version / added scenes for 'Aliens' over the theatrical one) but either it was the cold of the theatre or my drained social battery or something but I was exhausted. How embarrassing that I would be sleepy but any scene with Hicks in it brought me back, I think.

After the film, I joined up with my poet friend and their poet friend and we went to the pub next to the theatre where the hockey game was on. Had some food and a small drink with good conversation before I caught the streetcar back home. I remember walking down the street toward the apartment building thinking of how long it must have been since I'd done something like that, and how it felt to be walking down a hill like street, the way the momentum of movement feels when doing that. Despite my reclusiveness and sedentary life for the past few years, I actually do enjoy outside walks and I miss them very much.

Because I seem to have some sort of streak going of actually going outside again, I hope to keep it going with a venture out to see the cherry blossoms this week - not sure when exactly but I'd really like this to be the year I photograph them again - and I have tickets reserved to go see the Star Wars films at the Fox Theatre in a few days. That last one would get me back into my old neighbourhood and let me see films I'd never seen on the big screen that I loved when I was younger. This will likely also be an exhausting outing but should be worth it. There is also the hope of seeing a couple of the films with old friends as well. I'm also hoping to go down to the lake but not sure how much time I will have in between the films or before and after. It's going to be a lot for one day. Several hours of movies. But these are my plans so far. There are other things I need to do and must do but let's take it one thing at a time, eh? This is already more than I've done in quite some time in the outside world - in such a very long time. I'm trying to reach the surface. Can I breathe up there?

collage, 03 April 2025

6:38pm I have Art Expression Therapy (for grief, hosted by Hospice Toronto) over zoom on the hour. I haven't worked on my grief at all during the week or the week before. I have notes from the last session. Lines that could have been made into a poem or journal entry. I didn't write. I didn't even try to write. I was caught up in the drama of another failed so-called love and that took away from not only the progress I had been making on my gaming channel but the attention I was paying to it as well and this also meant that of course I didn't even think of looking at my grief or tending to the art that was waiting for me - nope, all feelings and energy just tossed toward more abandonment issues. But it was a good lesson in not letting someone come along and tell you they're going to take care of everything. Just another reminder that I should have kept focused on myself and what I need to do to get where I want to be. No one is coming to save me. I wish someone was, but they're not, and so - back to the task of trying to save myself.

I'm trying.